Dr Grordbert’s Righteous Bison:
Indivisible Particle Smasher
following is a guest review. The review
and photos do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Michael Crawford
or Michael's Review of the Week, and are the opinion and work of the
|Jeff's grandfather appears to
be the one supplying the review tonight - what's the scoop, Jeff?
Well, Michael has already had
a look at this antique firearm, but after stumbling across
this old diary entry from my great grandfather I thought it was worth
sharing… it would seem the reviewing bug is in my genes!
Cornelius Carruthers Parker IV
Ever since that blighted invasion attempt by the Martians not five
years since, this planet Earth, this tiny blue gem floating in space
that we call home has become a changed place… and not all of it for the
I still remember fondly those days when we were all happy in our own
little worlds, with our own little beliefs and credo’s. But the
invasion put paid to all that. Innocence and blind faith were
lost forever as soon as that first cylinder crashed into the park!
For a time we believed all was lost, our homes, and indeed the very
ways of our existence, however diverse, were gone forever. The rout of
civilisation, the massacre of mankind was a sobering call to us all. A
call none could ignore.
I know not of one family that wasn’t deeply affected by the invasion,
we all lost someone or something on that fateful day and in the ensuing
chaos that followed. But with hindsight we also gained so much… Oh so
I for one would gaze to the stars in my childhood, but I never expected
to be travelling amongst them, but now, harnessing the might of the
abandoned Martian technology, I have travelled to worlds and met
peoples that I would nought have thought possible just a few short
years ago. The very crafts we now use are all devised from that ungodly
science delivered unto us by the unsightly stinking creatures that
sought to make us their slaves… or worse! And harnessing their ships
and weapons we now find ourselves veritable masters of all we survey.
Pushing the British empire ever forward. Now not just encompassing our
world, but oh so many others.
When I was first conscripted as the boatswain to serve under Lord
Cockswain aboard Queen Victoria and Albert, I was offered a choice of
sidearm, all were effective in different fields of combat, but I knew I
would need a robust, and, all importantly, a powerful weapon. One I
could comfortably wear on my hip, but also one that could stop a
charging Dragophant at 50 paces, and the only, and I mean only, weapon
that could fill those boots was the Righteous Bison.
Grordbort was something of a legend, he had seen his entire
family smited by the Martian weapons, and eyewitnesses claim to have
seen him scale a moving tripod, and use nought but a slab of stone to
smash its deathly heat-ray from its casing and then bring it down and
use it against the very craft he had taken it from. And not just one
craft, in that one morning it is claimed he single-handedly brought
down over five of their vessels using that one particle smasher.
(MWC note: I'm impressed that Jeff's grandfather was such a visionary
that he included a hyperlink to the Weta website in his diary entry.
The man was truly ahead of his time.)
But it was at that moment that the tide turned. The Martians were
apparently unguarded against many of the common germs our immune
systems dealt with every day, and so their plan to rule our world began
to crumble. For not only were they dying at the hands of the
micro-organisms that lived and bred within us, but also Dr. Grordbort
had managed to reverse-engineer the particle smasher, not only making
it more compact, but also ten times more powerful.
The Martians had messed not only with the wrong planet… but certainly
with the wrong country, and they had made an enemy of the wrong man!
And so my friends I offer up to you the Righteous Bison (RB), a weapon
I found to be most effective in many of the situations I found myself
in, situations I hope no other man will ever find him self in.
I’ve had to make questionable decisions under my watch, decisions that
lead to the deaths of a few, but hopefully the salvation of many. But
whatever choice I made, be it right or wrong, I was always immeasurably
grateful to Dr Grordbort for giving me the Righteous Bison to have by
my side. And I fear if I hadn’t had it, not only would I be dead, but
you would not be alive to read this now. Peace to you all, my fellow
The inimitable Doctor has manufactured many firearms, particle
smashers, atomic frequency ray refractors and Infallible aether
oscillators over the last few years, and the quality of the packaging
one receives with the weapon one buys somewhat obviously is dependant
upon the budget one has available.
Being a conscripted boatswain my salary is modest to say the least, and
when needs must, one is forced to cut the cloth accordingly to ones
means. And so with the Righteous Bison, one is not afforded a solid
mahogany case with brass clasps and a velvet lining. Alas no, tis not
the case here.
Instead what we have is a serviceable enough stout cardboard box, with
a large flap on the front which lifts so as to be able to view the
weapon without needing to fully remove it from its secure holdings. And
its holdings are most secure. In fact perhaps a little too secure, as,
if you wish to handle the weapon to get a feel for its balance and
recoil the only way to do so is to cut it free from the bindings that
the Grordborts factory have placed around it. The Weta Company
manufactures it under strict licences and interplanetary patents. So
these weapons are still forged by the good Kiwi people who live in the
secure colony in Wellington, on the North island of New Zealand, (one
of the few places on this planet that the Martian cylinders did not
land on and cause such devastation). The outside of the container has
full colour photographs of the gun and some most splendid
illuminations, by lifting the large front flap you are met by images of
the full array of other weapons designed by Grordborts armouries on the
inside. Many of these will have you salivating, but beware; because of
their extreme power and complex build the prices are sadly oft beyond
the purse of your average conscript. Plus certain restrictions are
still in force, meaning a good few can still only be discharged on
certain planets, those that won’t have their solar trajectory kicked
off of its axis by the raw power unleashed. The gun itself is visible
through a die-cut window, and is securely embraced within the carton by
being strapped to a vacuum-formed tray, shaped to hold the RB gently
but firmly, so no damage should befall it when in transit from Earth to
what ever colony you find yourself buying it on.
So, all in all I was well pleased with the design of this box, and the
contents were well protected by it. I would, however, have liked to
have been able to return it to said box securely, to at least carry it
back to my quarters.
It’s a well-known fact that the engineering and mechanics are what most
enthrals the mind of Dr. Grordbort, but to aid him in making the
weapons look as visually pleasing as possible, the talents of Greg Broadmore
Esq. are utilised to great effect in making his
creations pleasing to the eye as well (indeed between you and I, tis
rumoured that Broadmore is more involved with the creation of these
beauties than Dr. G is willing to let people know), one can read about
his musings here.
If truth be known, the aesthetic of my RB was not as important as its
performance. However after having it save my life on numerous occasions
and having spent many a long day squatting in a fox hole with nothing
to look at but my gun, I have grown very fond of her, and I now see
much beauty in her gentle curves and complex engineering. So popular
was this model that it was even adapted to become the silhouette image
used in conjunction with the logotype on all of the Dr. Grordbort’s
corporation advertising throughout the known universe, well the parts
now ruled by the British Empire anyway!
Being very much at the budget end of the Grordbort’s catalogue, I did
find some of the details had been ever so slightly softened in the
casting process, and with scrutiny the seam where the two sides are
brought together is visible running along its entire length. But this
is not too off-putting at all; I merely bring this minor detail to your
attention, but you may find it all but invisible on your particular
model. The implied texturing of the metal body is most convincing,
featuring pitted casting marks along with scratches and tiny dents. But
even using the closest of analysis one will find oneself amazed at the
detailing on the implied rivets and screw heads. The handle grip
features an atomic symbol, an image that the good Dr. G has used to
denote the volatile nature of the power encased within this beast!
There are implied copper pipes running along the sides passing through
the rear ‘reflux/influx’ pressure gauges. I would advise you to reserve
operation of this apparatus in the red section of the gauge for only
the most desperate of situations, this denotes you have pushed the
performance into the googolplex range, whereby the internal fusion
reactor creates a high performance oscillating singularity. This means
the weapon starts to power itself by creating a chain reaction between
the internal hemispheres (hence the external cooling pipes, and large
cooling fin), once being discharged at this level it can continue to be
fired for an infinite amount of time (you will see the symbol for
infinity at the end of the measurable power output).
To the best of my knowledge the weapon has only ever been used at this
extreme level once, and it continues to be used to this day by a colony
on Europa, where it powers an amusement park. And the large cooling fin
on the top has a secondary use, one that has been very handy in the
past when firing on an enemy craft while ploughing into a headwind.
Simply point the RB directly at the blighter you are chasing, and from
the open cockpit of an Atomic Sopwith Rocket glider you’ll find it
helps keep your aim true… function and beauty in perfect harmony!
All in all you will find the detailing on your RB to be most
enthralling, but the lasting impression it leaves is of a well-made
piece of apparatus, and one you will enjoy using immeasurably!
The paint here is perfectly serviceable, but lacks the superfine
finesse witnessed on the higher range guns available from Dr. G, but to
be fair most of them are constructed in a mixed media of metals, woods
and glass. Here however the RB is cast in the foundries of the Weta
forge, using only the purest grade of Plasticarium, the most light
weight material available, that combines durability and good looks
(earlier models were constructed of Bakelite, but the infernal things
kept blowing up in people’s faces!).
To aid in its visual appearance the gun is given a most convincing
overall coating of a deep gunmetal paint, complete with weathering and
ageing. One finds oneself most convinced that the materials used are in
fact solid metal. Many of the details are also picked out in
contrasting finishes like copper, brass and an even darker cast iron
colour, these tonal differences really do the business in bringing this
beauty to life, but as I said, some of the division lines could do with
being just a tad crisper.
By gad sir, don’t be
ridiculous, tis a gun not a perishing dolly!
The RB comes with no extras,
but I advise the fashioning of a stout holster quick smart, or at least
a good quality canvas satchel, I myself used an old gasmask bag for the
first few missions on which I utilised the RB’s full potential!
Well, you can pull the
trigger, what more could you want?
You’ll find most of the articulation occurs when you open fire on a
crowd of undesirables… I’ve never seen blighters move so dashed fast.
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
You can purchase the RB direct from the armouries at the Weta workshop,
and in so doing you know you are getting the veritable seal of their
approval, and believe me, that counts for a lot!
The price isn’t exactly what one would call a bargain, but for the
price one pays, one is getting the peace of mind of purchasing a
genuine Dr. Grordbort weapon, his imitators and detractors are growing
by the day, but this has the official logo cast into its upper heat
dispensing fin… you know it makes sense, reassuringly expensive!
Factor - ****
I found the most fun I’ve had with my RB is not the sort of thing I
could discuss in polite company, but suffice to say, it always makes a
great talking point when visitors do descend upon your dwelling, and it
can be used as a very effective means of getting them to leave again.
Particularly effective with mother in laws, what, what!
Well sir, I have to admit to a modicum of bias here, as I have found my
RB invaluable for many a year. However, even though this would be
considered a budget item by those gentlemen who have the means to
actually collect Dr G’s finest weapons, to many others the price of 69
of Her Majesties British pounds, the equivalent to 99 American colonial
dollars, may seem a little steep!
But I can assure you that even though the lightweight alloys here
aren’t as hefty as those used on many of the other guns available from
Dr. G, it takes little away from the aesthetic, and nought from the
performance. I have to also admit that I would be lying if I didn’t let
you know there were a few minor points where I always felt the RB
needed just a little more care in its construction, but I have always
accepted that when purchasing on a modest budget, one mustn’t put one’s
expectations at an unrealistic level.
as such I feel confident in recommending the RB to any young man or
indeed young lady, (one must endeavour to be politically correct in
these enlightened times!) as the perfect introduction to the world of
Dr G’s impressive arsenal, but beware, for tis a world that once
introduced to, you might find yourself seduced by the beauty and
performance of his awesome collection. I myself have been saving a
quart of my monthly pay for three years now, and soon hope to purchase
an upgrade - maybe the amazing Pomson
6000 Sub Atomic Wave Gun, or even my personal favourite,
having seen one used to great effect by Lord Cockswain himself to bring
down a Venusian battle zeppelin with a single shot: the Unnatural
Selector- Ray Blunderbuss.
till I have accumulated the necessary funds I shall continue to place
my faith in my Righteous Bison, and it will remain my most trusted of
Where to Buy -
All one really needs to know is that the Righteous Bison is still
readily available direct from the Weta
workshop. Whilst visiting their most informative site, I can
heartily recommend a perusal around the aisles of their emporium, where
bounteous delectations will pass before your eyes and indeed tug on the
strings of one’s purse. But stay firm, or at least try to… alas I did
not, and am now the proud owner of a Dalek
statue… what am I going to tell the wife?
This product was provided free for the review by the manufacturer.
Photos and text by Jeff Parker.